Chapter
1
I don’t really know what made me want to
do it. What primitive urge re-surfaced? What led me to want to carry my belongings on
my back, climb a mountain trail, and live in the woods for days on end? There were no showers. There were no fountain sodas. There would be none of those creature
comforts of home. I guess it could have
simply been the sum of all the chaos in my life for the last five or six
years. Some days, I’d wake up, not
knowing if I was going or coming. Of
course, that in itself was a result of my own doing. I read somewhere that in order to understand
the present, one must travel back into the past. After all, isn’t hindsight twenty-twenty?
It
seemed so clear to me all those years ago.
I thought I loved him, and in many ways, I did. But looking back at it now, maybe what I felt
was safe, not love. I was three thousand
miles from home, pregnant, and very much alone.
So when he was so willing to help me adjust to life in a foreign country
with a soon-to-be child, I latched onto him.
I think we both just needed to feel like someone cared. We had some good times, he and I, as we
welcomed my son into the world and became a family. We didn’t marry right away. He was in the midst of a nasty divorce when I
met him so I was on my own with my son for almost two years. We went to Denmark to get married once he was
free and the years just seemed to fly by after that. Our daughter was born a year later and then
our son two years after that. He was
career military. I stayed at home with
the kids, running my own in-home daycare to provide us with a second
income. Times were lean but we had all
we needed. Or so I thought.
Love is a very funny thing sometimes. The deepest desires of our hearts make
themselves known to us in strange ways at times. My husband retired from the military and we
moved our family to Florida so that I could be close to my parents and
siblings. He settled into his new job
and I found mine as well. Adjusting to
life outside of the military took him away from home a lot, something I’d grown
used to being a military spouse. I’d
become very independent and able to run the household in his absence. That lifestyle came with a price,
however. As he climbed the ranks, I
began to feel more and more neglected…as if asking for a bit of his time was a
bother to him. He had his soldiers to
take care of. I knew very well that that
was true, but I wanted him to take care of me too. Time passed.
We grew further and further apart.
I thought our new civilian life would be better but it turned out that
not much changed. I didn’t know how lost
I really was until I found myself turning to another man…a man who made me feel
special and beautiful…all the things my husband never did. I knew that what I was doing was wrong in
every way, but when I was near him, I felt alive. When my husband found out, I told him
everything. At first, we were going to
file for a divorce but over time, we began to realize that keeping our family
together was important to us so we agreed to make it work.
It worked for a while. And then the same old pattern began to repeat
itself. My husband worked late all the
time. He never had time for me and yet
when we’d fall into bed at the end of another long day, he’d want to make
love. There was no connection between us
anymore so I found it next to impossible to be intimate with him. Tensions began to rise again, but we managed
to shove it on the back burner for a while.
The kids were a bit older now and I wanted them to have both parents as
they stumbled through those awkward teenage years. They say, “Don’t stay together because of the
kids”. I should have listened.
They also say that when one door closes,
another one opens. To this day, I don’t
know why this particular door opened for me, but stepping through it took me on
the craziest ride of my life. We’ve all
dreamed at one time or another of being swept up in the world of some famous
celebrity…someone who seems to have it all and suddenly only has eyes for
you. But never in my wildest dreams did
I ever think I’d ever actually experience anything remotely like it. Yet, there I was, caught up in the world of
someone I’d loved almost all of my life.
I know what you’re thinking. How
can you love someone you’ve never met? I
don’t know how it’s possible. Only that
it is possible. And I know that person
can love you too, even if it’s not in the traditional sense of the word. By what had to have been fate, I reached out
to this person and he found me there. He
told me that my words brightened any rainy day he might be having and that he
always looked for my messages. He told
me he was thinking of me. I suddenly
found myself traveling back and forth from Florida to Las Vegas just to be near
him…to be there for him. Most of the
time we spent together, we were alone in a room full of people, but he knew I
was there for him. The first time we met
face-to-face, neither of us could really find our words. We had a room full of people watching us so
he didn’t let on that he already knew who I was. I never thought it was possible for a crowd
of people to simply disappear, but on the rare occasions where we actually came
together, it was like we were the only people there. Our attraction wasn’t physical, although I
think we both enjoyed the view. What
brought us together was what was in our hearts.
I know what I saw in him, but I’ll never know what it was that he found
in me or what he was going through that caused him to feel the need to find
comfort in my words. There were times when he’d be back in his private area of
the club but was caught, by total strangers, who were eager to point out that
he was looking at me. Others noticed as
well, and I found myself being watched and was even threatened once by some
over-zealous fans. I was caught up in
the glamour of it all and, before I knew it, I was in too deep. There were all-night parties with the band
members and friends. Nothing too
extreme. Just a lot of drinking, talking
and laughing. We had fun. Some weekends I wouldn’t sleep until I was on
the plane headed home. I took my mom along as often as I could afford
to, sharing so many great times together that are still some of my most
cherished memories today. Nothing
inappropriate happened on those trips.
It was just a time in my life where I felt like I was special…like I was
a part of something wonderful…and I knew no one would understand.
Things back at home were coming to a
head. My husband told me that I was
forbidden to go out to Vegas. I invited
him to come with me and meet my friends, but he refused to even entertain the
idea. For reasons that no one will ever
understand, I had to go back. The bond
I’d formed with this special person was something I couldn’t walk away
from. For the first time in my life, I
felt like I’d found someone who accepted me for who I was and didn’t judge me
because of my past mistakes. Now I was
being told that I wasn’t allowed to be near this person. That what I needed didn’t matter. My head was spinning with the magnitude of it
all. Did I have the one-in-a-million
chance to see one of my dreams come true?
Would I be able to secure a better life for my children? Did I deserve to be cared about by someone
who saw me for who I was? Did I deserve
more than I was settling for? I’ll never
really know the answers to all of those questions. All I know is that in the wee hours of one
morning, I found myself sitting in my rocking chair as a storm raged outside…and
in my hand was a bottle of pills. I knew
that if I swallowed them all, it would be over.
No more pain. No more
heartbreak. But then I saw my children’s
faces in my mind and I knew I couldn’t be so selfish. I had to be there for them. So I got rid of the pills and made some life-changing
decisions.
One month after my divorce was final, I
got in my car and drove all the way across the country to Palm Springs,
California. I didn’t know what I would
find there but it was something I had to do.
I had to do if for me so that I could be the kind of person I needed to
be for those who were counting on me. My
family didn’t understand. My kids said
they did, and I can only hope that was true.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I
was dying inside and I had to save myself.
I spent eight months alone in Palm Springs, where I volunteered with the
Desert Aids Project. I met some of the
most gracious, giving, larger-than-life people out there. I worked.
I hiked up in Indian Canyons. I
attended my first (and only) red-carpet event.
I sat in town, watching people go by and listening to the church bells
ring on the hour. I had no money. There were times when I couldn’t afford to
eat. I’d go to this amphitheater and
watch the sun rise. And I began to
heal. I was still in contact with my special
person but after those eight months, I knew I had to go home to my family. So, I gave away most of my belongings, loaded
the remainder of my things in my car once again, and drove out of Palm Springs
early one April morning, with my dad riding shotgun. He’d flown out to make the trip back with
me. As I turned my car up onto I-10, I
felt numb inside.
Life slowly fell into place for me again
once I returned home. I found a job and
an apartment. My oldest son was living
on his own by then. My daughter moved in
with me for a short time. My youngest
son stayed at his dad’s but we saw each other every weekend. It didn’t take long for that special person
I’d come to care so deeply about to disappear from my life. He left with no explanation and without
saying goodbye. To this day, I don’t
understand why he left the way he did. I
guess I really didn’t matter to him…that I was toyed with as the butt of some
cruel joke. Was any of it ever real or
was it all in my head? Funny thing is,
as much as I think it would make it easier if I could make myself believe none
of it was ever real, what my heart knows is true won’t let me. He never made me any promises. I just somehow thought we would always be
there for each other. He was my
friend. My confidant. I told him everything. I know our worlds were so very different and
that there must not have been room for me any more in his. I was dropped on my
ass and left on my own to try to make sense of all that had happened. I’ve spent the years since struggling with
feeling like the biggest idiot in the world for thinking that I actually
mattered to him. Whatever the reason, it
has taught me a lesson. I will never
give that much of myself to anyone ever again.
Yes, you could say I’m a bitter old woman, I suppose. Life’s made me that way.
Time marches on, and it will leave you
behind if you close your eyes even for a second. Before I knew it, my children were no longer
children. They’d grown into responsible,
successful young adults with busy lives of their own. Once again, I found myself alone. I’m told that if I don’t hear from them, then
that means I did my job right. They’re
able to stand on their own two feet. In
theory, I know that’s true but the hole that’s left where they use to be is a
big one. I have nothing to fill the time
and space with. I get up, go to work,
and come home. I have no friends to do
things with. My family members are busy
doing things with their significant others.
It feels as if I’m forgotten…that my past mistakes have caught up with
me and that being alone is what I deserve after all I’ve done…after all people
I’ve let down or hurt. Surely this can’t
be all there is going to be in life for me.
There has to be more out there somewhere.
****
As the pickup made its way up the winding,
washed-out, forest service road towards the parking lot at Springer Mountain, I
stared out the window as the forest closed in around us. Some might have thought that by going on this
journey, hiking the Appalachian Trail, I was running away from something. Truth is, I was hoping I was heading toward
something. If only one step at a time, I
wanted to meet that person I knew in my heart and mind I could be. I wanted to find me.
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